Dread.
This morning I woke up from a dream that involved an owl. It was flying through my home, not afraid of the cats or of being indoors. I remember letting it outside, and noticing that it didn't fly away, it simply followed us (the cats and I) out the door.
Cue several moments later, where I was trying make myself a cup of coffee, feed the cats and wake up all at once...daunting multitasking at it's finest. My internal dialogue stopped on this: "What if owls in dreams count, too?"
A few years ago, after seeing an owl up close in my own backyard, my life went through some major changes. Some of them I was ready for, others I was not. My mom loved owls, she collected glass figurines of them, and then I suppose because it is what people do, she started getting them as gifts. At that point in my life after seeing the owl, I thought maybe my mom was sending me a message, or that the owl is meant to be my animal in the same way that my neighbor Marcie says turtles are meant for her. And don't get me wrong, I love owls, very much. If it means that my mom is in touch, well, honestly, this is kind of cool too.
But, I am afraid. Even though I made a promise to the Universe that I won't go back on no matter what, there is this huge part of me playing possum in the road: stiffening up as if bright car lights (change) will kill me. Only I am less afraid of dying than I am of change.
The economy is bad, what if I lose my job? What if I am not smart enough to find another one? Everyone is hurting, why shouldn't I be hurting too? About the only fear that I find ridiculous is "I won't be able to feed the cats" because hey, I will do anything in the world to keep those monsters fed. But still. Here I am. Not where I thought I'd be. Not where I wanted to land. And I might not be keeping my promise because perhaps part of the promise was not to just stand here and wait for change. So maybe the Universe is going to step in again, and change things around me while I stand here, frozen.
I don't want to be afraid of seeing owls.