I want to tell you that all the photos you think you look bad in, you look beautiful.
I want to tell you that you motivate me more than anyone when it comes to exercising and staying in touch with family.
I want to tell you that we will take that trip to New Mexico and the photos will be great.
I want to tell you that therapy is going better and I'm working harder than ever.
I want to thank you for being the best sister a girl could ask for.
I want you to know I'm thinking of you tonight and many nights.
I want you to know that This Too Shall Pass and I will meet you on the other side of it, ready to jump in with both feet.

Embracing the Good

Tonight I'm making special mention of how swwet life has been lately. I've been working on trying to spend more time recording and rejoicing in the positive things in my life so I can remember them, and less time wallowing in the ruts I fall into.

Lately I have a lot to be excited about. I got to take a whole week off of work and spend it with my amazing family, including my dad - sandcastle master, my brothers and cousins, and even the family dog.



In addition to that, I get to visit Georgia for a weekend to hang with the best sister ever and work on an art project for Dad's birthday and do some exploring. September is also blessed with a trip to Utah with my brothers, which, after making a list of things I want to see, has turned out to be a first in a likely large number of trips to the area. This research has driven me (mercifully) out of my house and into coffee shops, lead me to a few really cool travel blogs, and given me a wealth of cool photography advice for shooting in the area. I've been climbing a few times a week again and am moving on to the next grade of difficulty, which really boosts my self esteem. I'm really diggin' the books I've gotten from the library. I am meeting with my boss this week to (finally) dicuss the possibility of a raise, and I feel pretty good about it. I have also been trying to get out and Spend Time With People, something I get into the habit of avoiding and then lamenting my lack of companionship in my life. For the past four months I've been single for the first time in quite a while and I am happy that my lonliness hasn't given way to me searching for/jumping into something just because I'm lonely; this keeping me from being tied down and able to feel less hesitant about the possibility of totally uprooting myself geographically. And even today I accomplished the following: I woke up early, cleaned my room while listening to Inés of My Soul by Isabelle Allende, had a decent breakfast, went for a rigorous bike ride for 45 minutes and followed that up by breaking out my yoga mat and doing some core, thigh, and glutes exercises and actually remembering to stretch when I was finished. I went to Nina's (by far my favorite coffee shop in the cities, though I do love Caffeto) for some iced chai and went on a photo walk with this fabulous woman, a new close friend of mine, and finished out the night by climbing with Dana and Jess D. in St. Paul and writing this entry. I feel really good about this day and can't wait for tomorrow wherein I go to the Minnesota State Fair and take loads of photos and stuff my face for the day. The one thing that I am nervous for, is keeping my positive attitude through the remainder of the week while I cram in 53 scheduled hours of work into five days. Gotta keep positive! Stay the course! Remember this feeling! 





Recent Obsessions

Here are the things I've been obsessing about lately:

: Sprouted almonds

: Looking at job listings for Penland School of Crafts first thing in the morning

:The cost of living in South America and Southeast Asia

: The song You're a wolf by Sea Wolf

: Camera obscura photography in general, but especially by Abelardo Morell

: Lowtechmagazine.com

: Getting my wilderness first aid (and if I stumble across $600-$700, my wilderness first responder) certification.

: Chefchaouen, Morocco

: Porter Fox's travel writing

: Caffetto, three blocks from my house

Leaning Toward the Light

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

I am thankful for being reminded of the things I cherish and the people to lean toward for growth, like plants leaning toward the sun. I am the kind of person who tends to shut down and can't find her way out of a dark place after she's been there too long. Spending day after day working long hours and going weeks without a day off make me overtired and blind to the things that inspire me, things that remind me what to do when I do get a day to myself. One conversation with a sister who has inspired me my whole life, and has been the light I lean toward reminded me that there must be equal time spent as the light itself. Everything must remain balanced and circulating to keep upright and breathing. So I have been trying harder to take the time I have and use it to maintain balance. And the first step is resetting the scales that have lain abandoned in my chest; to dust them off and start to equalize. 

So I must remember that it is important to spend a day blowing off errands to walk along the river at the dog park and spend the day making new, sand-spackled friends; to write a letter to family a continent away - something I haven't done in years; to start writing a short story - something I've never really tried; to follow up a tearful breakdown about my continued presence here instead of Out in the World with a conversation with North Carolina connections about job opportunities Someplace Different; to embrace a friend that bullies me every other day to go on a photo walk with her; to take it one day at a time and figure out my "five-minute action that will make tomorrow better."

J - Even when you aren't trying, you remain the single most inspiring force in my life. I will never stop being grateful, only I hope to be far less silent.

Since early this year, I've been silent. Journals with blank pages stacked up in corners while I take a borrowed dog on long hikes near the river. We didn't have a winter, and the dog and I have a shared love of the nearly empty trail and muddy bank. I throw the sticks and she swims to get them, but I don't congratulate her or call her name, we just hike. Every 15 minutes or so she comes back from bolting ahead to place her nose into the palm of my hand and let me know I am her human, even though I'm not, really.
I don't know why I needed the space. It's not my normal barrage of excuses all involving some sort of depression. Sometimes I wake up really early and wonder if my spirit animal is not an owl, but a possum. I sure can relate to freezing up in the middle of the road, eyes wide, than I can of any other animal who feels fear.
About two weeks ago I picked up a pen and started writing again, and now, like before, it has become a necessity. I've been putting my stories away, not sharing them with friends because there is a statute of limitations on pieces of your life. In order to move forward, you might have to acknowledge the past but you certainly don't have to let it swallow you whole.
This is where I am. Letting go. And yeah, sometimes I wonder if 'lettting go' is actually 'giving up'. Resignation. So I worry about this for a little while each day. But then I pick up my lists and start making plans to prove to the world and myself that I'm still in here. I want to hike the Grand Canyon, all the way across. I want to find a new job because I often feel like I've overstayed my welcome at the one that I have. My neighbor was fired recently by her boss of 12 years, and we sit sometimes and think about what happens when decisions are made for you before you make them. Fear: the great motivator.
Once again I find myself aligned with you, throwing shit against the wall because neither of us want to become what people close to us have:stuck. Routine. For me, it's college classes where I try to use my brain again on things unrelated to accounting. And solo trips to the beach and the mountains for a day or two each weekend, mostly to write and take pictures. For you, travel writing and plans to head to NC. I root for you as hard as I root for myself. I know what we're up against inside of our minds and I am not sure of a LOT of things, but I AM sure of this: we can do it.
In my own life coaching sessions with Dad, I've come to realize that the fear I carry around is heavy, and my body and spirit can no longer afford to carry it. I think you feel this too.
Let's move forward, shall we? What the hell.

"No symapthy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride... and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well... maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten."

-HST

I'm just going to start going for it, I think. I want to be that strong type of person who takes risks, dives headfirst, is brave and independent, and confident. I would hate to live a whole life without risk. I don't recall ever really making any stupid, impulsive decisions (maybe romantic?) in my life. Time to change that. As Mary Oliver said, I don't want to end up having merely visited this world. I want to inhale it deeply, dig into it with my hands and find it wedged under my fingernails. I want to wake up next to it before the sun, covered in dew and curiosity.

I am nearly 25 years old. At the quarter mark. I have decided there is no longer time for excuses, for time lost because of fear or over-analyzing. Now is the time for great lunges, leaps of faith, Hail Mary passes. I want to remember making an active choice to stop getting in my own way and to start propelling myself forward with the force of my own momentum.

As a birthday present to myself, I am going to register for the travel writing and photography courses at MatadorU. What the hell? I've never tried to do anything at all with my writing. Not that it amounts to much, but I don't have any other marketable skills, so... why not? What's $350-$600 bucks in the grand scheme of things? I want to get a job that allows me to travel, preferably encourages me to do so; here's an option. I am also going to book a flight to North Carolina in time for the Iron Festival and start networking around Penland to see if I can't get an internship in the photography or iron department, maybe drive to Asheville or Boone to see what employment possibilities look like there. And finally, I'm going to put in some applications for jobs teaching English in Southeast Asia or South America.

All forward motion counts.

These are the things I want to be doing:

: Having a glass of wine with Stephanie

: Learning to knit in the round

: Making kombucha with Dana

: Helping my mother learn to work with whole grains

: Warming my hands on a mug of tea

 : Painting boxes and filling them with treasures

: Biking

: Reading travel memoirs

: Sounding out French words with Matthias

: Taking photographs with you

: Studying bird skeletons

: Exploring abandoned buildings

: Making a mess

: Putting up photographs in my room

: Writing stories

: Cooking with wild mushrooms

: Getting callouses

: Listening to cello music

: Planning a trip

: Seeing magic